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Caffeine Induced

This from the girl who has ingested some form of coffee every day since she was ten years old.

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A person of pervasive landscapes. I have an unnatural relationship with Kellog's Frosted MiniWheats. I'm addicted to coffee. Nice people turn me on. I always wet my toothbrush before using it. I paint, take pictures and love anything art related. I don't know how it happened, but I woke up one morning and fell in love with blogging. I'm a bad-ass until I see a cockroach. I love all things water sports. I'd rather die than live without music, books or Rhonda. TiVo is my homeboy. I have Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. I like to paint naked. There aren't many things greater than sliding into home plate. I have a dog named, "Sugar;" and Mondays are all about her. I am desperately trying to keep the one plant in our house alive. My brother doesn't know how to spell my name. I twitch when people use the contraction "there's" followed by a plural noun. I reserve the right to type as many run-on sentences as I damn, well please. I'm a sucker for a good panoramic view. Snow is pretty but I'd rather be at the beach. I want to meet Hugh Hefner. I love travel. I hate the mundane. I live a kick-ass life. I dance in public. I have a mole under my right boob. I have a great memory but I'm bad with names. I am obsessed with organizing. The Container Store is my Disney World. JPG Magazine is my porn. I love to vacuum. I hate doing my hair. Being a grown-up is totally overrated. Making out is the best thing in the world... better than sliding into home plate.

This from the girl who has ingested some form of coffee every day since she was ten years old.

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Exactly one week ago yesterday, I was sitting across from my latest doctor as he dropped the bomb on me that I was to give up drinking coffee.  For at least a few weeks.  And when he, along with a handful of disaster relief workers were finally able to talk me off the ledge from which I was precariously dangling, I managed to oblige the asshole sweet doctor.  I recall responding to him firmly, and with confidence saying, "If you tell me that I need to give up coffee for this treatment to be effective, I'll do it."  When internally I was actually experiencing something comparable to the movies Armageddon and Titanic meeting up for drinks, which in turn ended with Armageddon following Titanic up to her hotel room and nine months later Titanic pops out a baby comprised of nothing but absolute terror and panic and death, with the voice of Celine Dion.  That baby is what I went through in my sweet doctor's office that day.  Minus Liv Tyler's lips and Kate Winslet's boobs.  IT WAS THAT AWFUL.

Cut to the next day, my first without coffee, and DEAR GOD did I want to die.  There are no words to accurately express what my body went through.  Not to mention, what my brain went through.  For example, I give you one of my many effed up text messages from that day:

"I think I'm dying.  Unless the bright light I'm seeing is an alien unicorn ship attempting to make contact with me.  In which case, please disregard this message.  But seriously, I'm pretty sure it's the first one.  Caffeine withdrawals are a bitch."

They just kept getting worse.  And poor Rhonda.  Poor, poor, wonderful Rhonda.  I should buy her a Disney Princess or something equally as magical for putting up with me that day.

But, hey!  It's been a whole week without coffee and I'm surviving!  Turns out, one caffeine pill each morning and copious amounts of hot tea will do the trick.  And dare I say it: I feel better.  I HATE (am seriously and with all of the conviction in my body, using the word HATE) to admit things like, I'm sleeping better.  And I have more energy.  And I feel a little less exhausted.  And my tummy is happier.  That asshole sweet, SWEET doctor of mine was right, which means I now have to buy him a Disney Princess, too (this process is getting rather expensive).  And now that I've seen what the grass is like on both sides of the fence, I'm tempted to stay off the coffee for good. 

I KNOW.  Pack for the apocalypse people, it's coming.
  • I voluntarily gave up caffeine as I suffered through the flu after Thanksgiving. After all, my stomach didn't want Dr Pepper and I already had a raging headache.

    I also have noticed I'm sleeping better without the multiple daily doses of caffeine. Now I'm trying to wean myself from the caffeine-free DP -- the mind still thinks I want the DP.
    • I will never go 100% caffeine free. But I may still cut back a wee bit more. :)
  • (no subject) - 0vrcaffeinated
    • Try avoiding acidic foods, especially tomatoes, before exercising. That might help alleviate the heartburn problem.
    • I highly suggest weening off if you do ever have to quit. Don't just wake up one day and be all "okay, no coffee today!" IT SUCKS.
  • yikes

    I'm scared on multiple levels...
  • You know, I was never really a big coffee drinker until about 5 years ago. I always loved the smell, but not the taste. But drink enough and you come to love it - esp. those vanilla lattes that replaced the too sinful white chocolate mochas. But I'm prone to tummy issues and now coffee makes my GERD act up and can make me nauseous - even decaf - so it is something about the coffee itself. I can only treat myself on occasion. So sad. Big hugs on the withdrawals.
    • I am allowing myself 1 soy latte once a week. It is an orgasm in a cup. ;)
  • (Anonymous)
    Kuddo's Kiddo!...I know how hard that was for you...'cause when you worked at my coffee store as a kid, I paid you in Frappacino...Just think how much taller you'd be if I hadn't stunted your growth with all that caffeine???...but somehow, I don't think you'd have worked as hard for herbal tea...
    • Not to mention, Great Grandma serving me mini cafe oles! And I can't tell you how many times I brought up that dang frappuccino machine last week. ;)
  • I sometimes think I should give up coffee. I don't have any trouble sleeping, but I'm quite certain I'm addicted to the stuff.

    But what I really wanted to tell you is that I missed "This from" when I originally read the title, making it "the girl who has ingested some form of coffee every day since she was ten years old", which I thought was an awesome suggestion for a new book along the lines of "the girl with the dragon tattoo."
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